I'd Rather Kiss a Frog, Ferret Boy!
by Aviusa
Summary: The afternoon before Christmas Malfoy and Hermione get stuck under the mistletoe. No confessions of Dramione love here, ever!


A/N Just a plot bunny that bit on a late night during the holiday season; I only own the paper I wrote it on.

**I'd Rather Kiss a Frog, Ferret Boy!**

"Whose idea was this anyway?" Hermione asked as little sparkling hearts began to fall around her and Ron studying in the library; Hermione was studying for her N.E.W.T.s to be exact, and Ron had been scribbling something on various scraps of parchment, stared at her for a few minutes, and then scribbled some more.

"I dunno; they just sort of appeared a week before Christmas." Ron shrugged; brushing a sudden pile of hearts off his shoulder.

"Who ever thought of it should be shot; making people spontaneously kiss in public is entirely nonsensical." Hermione complained as she attempted to stop the confetti from tangling in her hair, and a shrill version of mistletoe and holly rang out over their heads.

"Oh by gosh, by golly, it's time for mistletoe and holly."

Hermione glared up at the sprig, which continued merrily on.

"Fancy ties and Grandma's pies, and folks stealing a kiss or two."

"They don't stop until you kiss." Ron mumbled.

"I know that." Hermione replied, a little more then slightly peeved. "And letting them go on and on only attracts more people." She admitted, with a sigh.

"Well, you better get it over with then." Ron rolled his eyes.

"It's not that I mind kissing you, it's just the idea of mistletoe; it's just silly."

"Looks like Weeslebee is going to get some action." Malfoy's drawl was accompanied by a shrill titter from Parkinson; Hermione chose to ignore both.

Rising Hermione pried Ron's hand off the armrest of the chair; the mistletoe did not let its victims move very far, so they couldn't retaliate, even though they shouldn't, because Malfoy was simply trying to get a rise out of them, and it was childish to seek revenge; anyway!

"Let's go, I'm not sure if I can witness this, and keep my dinner down too." Malfoy continued airily as Parkinson degraded to sniggering grunts.

Anyway, Hermione leant quickly forward and pressed her lips forcefully against Ron's.

Parkinson shrieked, but the singing mistletoe stopped, and Hermione pulled away with a deep breath.

"You call that a kiss?" Malfoy jeered, in his ice cold smirky way, and broke Ron out of his post assault paralysis.

"Shut up Malfoy!"

"Oh, have I struck a nerve." Malfoy's smirk developed a mocking quirk.

"Shut your mouth Malfoy, or I'll do it for you." Ron continued, taking several strides forward; greatly reducing the space between them in a very short titme.

"Ron, this is just as stupid as the mistletoe!" Hermione was quickly on Ron's tail, grasping his forearm as her boyfriend halted a few inches from Malfoy to glower at him.

"Listen to your little mudblood."

Ron drew back his fist to slug Malfoy, and Hermione jumped between them.

"Oh by gosh, by golly!" An all too familiar squeak rang out overhead as Ron's fist flew over Hermione's head, and connected with Malfoy's nose, sending him sprawling against, an invisible wall.

"It's time for mistletoe and holly!"

Grasping his nose gingerly it seemed difficult for the Slytherin to rain in his anger, but he succeeded in keeping it only a flame behind his eyes as blood began to drip down.

"Stop!" Hermione grasped Ron's elbow; sending him a pointed look, and managing to push him back a step.

"Someone needs to break his cocky face." Ron protested. "Stop protecting-"

"Stop bickering, and listen." Malfoy snapped; cutting Ron off.

"Tasty pheasants, Christmas presents."

"What?" Hermione turned to pin Malfoy with something bordering on a glare. "Kiss your girlfriend already."

"Yeah," Ron retorted. "Show us what a real kiss is."

Malfoy shrugged, and stood up; brushing his nose against Parkinson's cheek, he physically winced back.

"Oh, by gosh, by jingle."

Lips met; arms entwined.

"It's time for carols and Kris Kringle."

Second after second, bodies straining to meet skin to skin through the clothing.

"Overeating, merry greetings."

The singing still hadn't stopped as Malfoy's hands slid up under the edge of Parkinson's shirt, and she moaned softly.

"Now that's just gross." Hermione snapped. "And highly inappropriate." She added, noting the discreet, and not so discreet glances of surrounding students.

"You'll hear voices by starlight."

"If I wanted to watch a ferrets grope a pig…" Ron trailed off, unblinking, as the couple came to a close. "Obviously you didn't stop the mistletoe; no reason to give the first years a free porn show." He finished, under his breath.

"That's because, she isn't under the mistletoe." Hermione's explanation burst out loudly into what had become a hushed silence.

"Then…" A wave of comprehension swept over Malfoy's face. "I won't do it."

"As they whisper, "Merry Christmas" to you."

"So you're going to stand there?" Hermione asked. " I don't want to do this any more then you do."

"I will never sully my body with the touch of a mudblood."

"You won't what?" Ron, who had relaxed after expressing his disgust; had moved to return to the table he and Hermione had formerly occupied, wheeled around to face this perceived insult.

"I will not kiss your mudblood wench." Malfoy explained coolly.

"This will not solve anything." Hermione protested as Ron flipped Malfoy off.

"You sound almost like you want to kiss me." Malfoy sniggered, pulling out a handkerchief to dab at the sluggish trickle of blood that stained his mouth.

Hermione's face, which up to that point had been slightly flushed in anger and frustration, blanched in shock at the suggestion. "I would rather kiss a frog, ferrite boy."

"No reason to get excited." Draco laughed; stepping closer to face Hermione.

"From relatives you don't know  
Then comes that big night,

Giving the tree the trim

You'll hear voices by starlight

Singing a Yuletide hymn."

" I don't know about you, but I have better things to do then stand around."

"Standing around is better then kissing a mudblood." Draco retorted.

"She might not be as blue blooded as you, but Hermione is smarter then you any day." Ron stepped up behind Hermione to glare over her at Malfoy.

"It's almost like you want me to kiss your girlfriend." If it were possible, Malfoy inched even closer, and even though she wanted to get farther away, it was as if something was not letting Hermione take another step back.

"Oh, by gosh, by golly

It's time for mistletoe and holly

Fancy ties an' granny's pies

An' folks stealin' a kiss or two

As they whisper, "Merry Christmas" to you"

"I want no such thing." Ron objected.

"Maybe she could pass on the experience."

"Perhaps our relationship goes beyond the boundaries of physical lusting." Hermione cut into the argument. "Just because Ron cannot or can pleasure my physically is not the central reason I will go out with him, or –"

Malfoy's expression had become more and more blank as Hermione's rant gained momentum; finally as it seemed to be winding down, he lunged, interrupting her soup box sermon.

Lips met lips for a split second as Hermione fell back on the invisible wall.

"Tasty pheasants, Christmas-"

Hermione tumbled back on Ron, with Malfoy on top of her; a flash bulb lit the scene.

"Collin!" Ron helped Hermione up as Malfoy dusted himself off; smirking at Hermione's stunned paralysis.

"G'dday Weasy." With a slight nod, and his continued smirk, Malfoy escorted Parkinson away as the small crowd disbanded.

"Are you all right?" Ron sent a glare in Malfoy's direction before turning back to Hermione.

"I think I'll live." Hermione sighed, and reached for Ron's hand. "You don't happen to have a breath mint."


End file.
